My memaw loved credence Clearwater revival, she had glass clown masks decorating her walls, she had a padded Florida Gators toilet seat cover that always felt warm when you sat on it. I was never sure how to feel about that warmth. Like a moth confuses the warmth from the flame as a welcoming sign, a “come on in” waiting to burn her as soon as she approaches.
My sister loved hard, she had a tongue that lashed at its enemies with no hesitation, she spoke her truths no matter who would feel her wrath. Hurt her family, hurt her. She was fierce, my best friend, and at times, my biggest enemy. My savior and my damnation. My memories seem so distant and still so near. She had the greenest eyes, like a cat staring into the moonlight longingly, begging to be a part of the sky, to belong to the stars once more
My best friend had a heart so big, it didn’t fit in this world. She believed that all she encountered was good, she had a way of making it true. Everyone she touched turned to gold. You could spend all your life feeling small, but as soon as she entered the room, you grew 10 feet tall and had never been unloved. She made you feel every bit of worth that you had. Like an owl, swiveling its head, always looking out for you.
My cousin died once, when he was 2. He came back to life, and we glimpsed his death so closely, we thought we’d keep him forever this time. He grew up so calm, in a world full of chaos. So full of deep love that he gave to a few lucky people. He was bright, beautiful and true. Forever came before we had imagined and he went away too soon. Like a dog, who we get to love so deeply, but for a limited amount of time. Like the good ones are too good to walk the earth for too long.
My aunt was such a funny soul. If I could attribute my humor to anyone it would be to her, and my memaw. The silly “tricks” like, “you squeeze the sides, that’s how you open the creamer packet ;-)” or the time we covered the whole room in silly putty and our catchphrase was born “I love you more than silly putty”. She was always quick with kind words of affirmation when I felt low on myself, she lifted me up and held a space so big and loving. If I had known what I had then, I’d never have been sad a day! My heart aches that I resisted the kindness and shifted away in my attempt to “grow up”. She was my cocoon, all she wanted to do was see me morph I to the beautiful butterfly she knew I was.
My aunt called me Lil bit. I don’t know why, but I always loved that name. When she spoke to me, she spoke TO me. Not many adults in my life really ever saw me like my aunts did. Really SAW me. My aunt loved karaoke. We always shared a love of singing and I always admired her unwavering confidence and trust in herself in front of a crowd, in the car, in her apartment while we got ready to go out and play! She spoke so kindly of others and never wanted to harm anyone she tread graciously through this life. Like a hummingbird, she flew through life quickly, leaving very little impact in her wake.
My first love was an Aires, a ram if i ever did see one. He made damned sure he got what he wanted and cared deeply for his inner circle, which once in, you never left. He had hair like his soul, fire red, the kind of red that only gained brightness as the seasons faded from winter to spring. He had a love for animals, specifically dogs, that I had never experienced before. I gained so much knowledge from him and even in our differences, he continued to support me and cheer me on from the sidelines. Like a wolf never leaves his pack, protecting and loving it until the end.
Something about the fall, the slowing down of the nights, forcing us to sit in the dark and face all of our fears. Like the leaves, I feel myself hitting the ground everyday. With no preparation, I’m whisped into a memory and left in shambles on the other side, alone. I remember so deeply, in the darkness. I feel you briefly as the memory fades away, along with you.
All I want is to grab you and hold you and never let you go, and I did that, for so many years, I did that.
I searched every single day, day in, day out. I found you at the bottom of a bottle. I held you in a glass on the couch until 4 am, tears falling down my face. Thinking I was honoring your memory if I could just hold on a little bit longer.
I didn’t sleep much, I blacked out and awoke a few hours later, searching for the bottle to get back to you. I felt so close to you. If only I could black out for good, then maybe we’d be together again. Of course I wasn’t suicidal, I was simply looking for a quicker route to the end. I found it. Every single day.
Here I am again, forced into darkness, but this time there is no bottle. There are no demons lurking in the corner, waiting for me to get whisped away into that memory. There is just me, the memory, and you. You were never really gone, you were always there. It wasn’t you disappearing from me as my memory faded, it was me fading away from you. From everything.
It’s fall again and I’m so sad, I’m so incredibly grief stricken, but I am not alone. You are here, walking me through each memory. Telling me to “let it out! Cry!” when I need to. I wish I knew sooner that if I’d just stop drowning in my bottle, I’d be closer to you. Closer to feeling whole again. Your physical bodies are no longer here with me, but you are deeply imprinted in my heart and my spirit, for my forever, whenever that may be. See you in my memories.
Frances, Lauren, Esther, Zachary, Robin , Angie, Kyle